If so, then you should avoid approaching that individual. Direct amends refers to going directly to the wronged individual, apologizing and taking whatever action is necessary to correct a situation. If an individual damaged someone else’s home while they were under the influence of drugs or alcohol, direct amends may require that they go to the property owner, apologize and repair damages.
- We also provide regular drug and alcohol testing, professional peer recovery support programming, a three phase recovery program, volunteer placement services, and employment and educational support.
- In his book he shares the situation of a woman who has a fight with her brother.
- Understanding some making amends examples can help the individual correct past behaviors.
- Making amends does not undoing the wrongdoing, just as forgiveness doesn’t undo the wrongdoing.
- Many times, these kinds of promises serve to alleviate the wrongdoer’s guilt and so that they can say they apologized before their loved one died.
- But if you are dealing with guilt and grief, you probably aren’t surprised that there is more to say.
Instead, stay focused on changing your behaviors and being of service to them. Wash a car, mow a lawn, visit with an elderly relative or do anything else that’s useful and considerate. It would be nice if the above outcomes were universal—but they aren’t . Making amends won’t necessarily play out like the ending of a Hallmark movie.
Focus on your behavior.
By proactively correcting previous mistakes, those in recovery may be able to prevent future conflicts that could trigger a relapse. I’m a recovering sex addict who is desperately trying to find concrete ways to make amends to my wife of 25 living amends years. In trying to work on restoration of trust and amend-making without guidance, I further wounded my wife with critiques about her body, ability, intelligence…a real prince. She is STILL willing to work with me, but I’m stuck on amends.
The changes that occur due to your efforts positively affect your commitment to becoming a better friend, child, parent, or person all around. However, these promises are usually the result of deep feelings of shame, guilt, and regret and may not be genuine for some. Many times, these kinds of promises serve to alleviate the wrongdoer’s guilt and so that they can say they apologized before their loved one died. With these kinds of promises, there may not be enough genuine intention of changing their hurtful patterns and behaviors. One of the best ways you can make long-lasting changes to your relationships is by being true to your word.
Fulfill your promises.
I guess I was in shock, because I cannot tell you what we talked about his last three weeks of life, and we talked all the time, I am full of what if’s and i wishes. I know I could not save him, but I just hope that he knew how much I loved him, and still do.
This would not be possible without the spiritual preparation we received from the previous steps. Taking these actions helps us to separate ourselves from the disease of addiction. We come to understand that we are good people with a bad disease. Steps 8 and 9 help us to move out of the shame we have lived in, shame that feeds the cycle of substance use and addiction. We strengthen and reinforce healthy recovery whenever we do our part to repair relationships or reach out to others with support and understanding.
The Ninth Step Promises
What happens when you die is one way of finding emotional freedom and closure. But what happens when the person you need to make amends with dies before you’re able to apologize and change your ways? Unfortunately, this scenario plays out much too often in the lives of people who didn’t get a chance to correct their mistakes and past behaviors in time. Making any type of amends can be challenging, but in this article, we’ll focus on living amends and tips for how to make them. If you or a loved one is struggling to stay sober or needs help maintaining sobriety while working the 12 Steps, Eudaimonia Recovery Homes can help.
- Step Nine is that biggie step, the one we likely have created some anxiety over because it involves making amends.
- Once you enter into sobriety, there isn’t a set timeline for working Steps 8 and 9, so you might want to ask your sponsor and recovery support network for their insights about whether you’re ready.
- Another instance where making direct amends may not be a good idea is if admitting your wrongs could jeopardize your freedom, which could hurt your loved ones.
- Humility is the freedom from pride or arrogance and having the quality or state of being humble.
- “Freedom” seems to be the word that most clearly describes the essence of Step Nine.